Por todos los caminos recorridos
y los que faltan por recorrer.
Te amo gemela. Soul sister, twin, best friend. I have no idea how to move on without you. I still don’t understand what is happening and for the first time since I was 18 I feel completely and utterly lost. And when I was 18 and brand new to the world of adventure and you moved into the house next to mine, you were the one who brought me to life. You showed me what it means to really live, no hesitation, no fear, only love.
We are the same. I never knew where I ended and you began. Every time I leave CR half of your closet is in my suitcase and the rest of my stuff is in yours. We share everything and yesterday when I was lying on the floor, screaming from the excruciating pain in my stomach that not even morphine could lessen, I was feeling you passing away. That was the pain. I think for you to leave the universe had to physically cut out a piece of me. And that pain is nothing compared to what I’m feeling right now.
This was happening at the same exact time, two hospitals in two different countries, one appendix bursting and one car crashing and in my pain-clouded fogginess I dreamt of you. You were in a hospital not far from mine and when I asked you to come stay with me you said no. I begged and pleaded because why couldn’t we share the same room?? It’s the same pain anyway. You said no, I can’t, I have to go. And when I woke up my fiancé was crying at my bedside. I pretended to still be sleeping because I knew waking up would mean waking up with only half a heart and that’s just something I’m not ready to accept yet. So I haven’t woken up. I stay here in the dark. Not listening to the last voicemail you sent me, not reading the last letter you wrote, not looking on your Facebook wall, not calling your mom or your sister, not reaching out to mario, not wearing the necklace we share, not answering friends asking if I’m ok, not thinking about gamba and alva and all the souls that are missing you, not calling you or texting you or only calling a little but not doing anything because how can there be doing when there is only nothing left. Somos un río si pero yo me estoy ahogando